12 seconds from now, and now would be the past.

So now, I am going to have my few moments of killing myself. I screwed up my english presentation today, I can't believe I just blew it. I went up there all prepared with everything I want to say in my head but once I start, everything in my head, boom, gone. I was stuck, on the spot with the few pointers I had on my cue cards and that was it. I was stumbling over my words and couldn't link my points together, I couldn't pronounce "specific". The whole time I had that same look on my face: Oh shit, what next?

Well, I've always loved writing it out better than expressing it by talking, all my life. So, I knew this was going to happen earlier on and it's not that I'm mad at myself for getting all nervous and anxious like that but I couldn't really help myself. The little voice in my head was telling me, deep breaths. I would pause, and pick off again all fine but the next slide I would completely break down again. It is so, frustrating that I couldn't get out what I needed to say in my head, those damn good points I had. Peeps were probably more focussed on my stumbling over the words and trying to figure out what I was trying to say than actually listening to the actual points I was saying which may I add, were genius. If I hadn't had a damn panic attack up there and went, blank.

Right now, I feel like stabbing myself and head banging right into this table right now for what I've just done. What the heck was I think saying the words, "so yeah, KIND OF?" Oh right, my brain wasn't functioning right and I was simply ranting on with normal everyday language in my head once I get these damn anxiety attacks.

God I hate myself. First english oral presentation - first big screw up, whoo, i'm so starting off this english class with a bang. Literally, gun shot bang. And, I just realised, I FORGOT THE DAMN WORD, "METAPHOR". THE BLOODY TERM WHICH COULD'VE GAVE ME BONUS POINTS, DAMMIT. Just when I thought I could get a 6, bam, gone. WELL, even a 5 now would be a complete miracle.

You know what, I don't even want to think about Friday which is the day I'm going to receive the feedback and grades. I know guys, I know. "You had problems obviously expressing yourself up there." I know. If only I could put the nerves away for just 5 friggin minutes up there, I would've worked miracles. I would've aced the damn thing.

...

And I'm done with killing myself. It seems like I just sounded like a two face, right there. Ah hah. Well, in defense of myself, I've always had problems like this whenever I'm presenting so, I wouldn't say it's a surprise. I guess I've really tried to cope with it and although I might not have done the best I could, there's always an upcoming essay that I so have to ace to get me back on the top again. As my dad always tells me, "you'd catch up with them in the long run". Oh yes, I might be at the bottom for this but I'm going to ace every damn assignment after this to get back to the top of the bunch. But quite honestly, it's over. There's nothing I can do but two choices: Beat myself up about it or just move on, and enjoy the rest of the day with the nice cool weather.

I choose option two.

(THANK GOD ORAL PRESENTATIONS ARE ONLY 30% OF THE GRADE, WHEW.)